“I meant it when I said I’d leave so let it go, please mate”
What happens when you set boundaries? Nothing. Absolutely fuck all. You don’t magically heal from the years of trauma someone has caused you. You don’t magically learn to forgive. You don’t find some serene sense of self or sparkling inner peace. It doesn’t give you anything. In fact, it gives you more work to do.
The person will still try to overstep and break the boundaries. And you have to do the work to keep the boundaries. You have to say no, and you have to push back when the person is trying to ignore the boundaries you set. You have to use the block button on your phone or walk away. You have to work to set and then to keep the boundaries.
Boundaries are not healing. They’re labour. They’re repetition, consistency, and work. Boundaries are not peace. They are not a one-time magic trick that keeps the right distance between you and the abusive person. Even finding your own limits and setting the boundaries is exhausting, and you have to keep enforcing them.
Keeping boundaries is exhausting. People do not always understand the need for boundaries. People rarely respect boundaries if it forces them to stay back or change their behaviour. Abusive people generally don’t like to lose the person they have abused. Sometimes they don’t realise they’ve done anything wrong. Sometimes people have a personal cheerleader, or multiple, who enable their abuse and at least don’t challenge them.
It’s easier to keep peace. It’s easier to stay small and not expect anything to change.
So wouldn’t it be easier to just let it go and let things be like they always have been? Why not just submit and let that person walk all over you, and shit on you while they’re at it? Why not just let them keep doing what they’ve done? It’s easier, no need to upset anyone and there is peace.
“I meant it when I gave forgiveness so just let it go”
It’s easier, but it eats you inside. It makes you smaller each time you let that person undermine you and make fun of you. It makes you smaller every time you try to forget something your body still hasn’t healed from.
Boundaries are not there to erase the past. Boundaries do not remove the trauma. They are set to prevent it from happening again. They’re there to protect you from now on, not to heal your past. Even when boundaries are painful, sometimes allowing the cycle of abusive behaviour and emotional violence to continue is even more painful.
One of the hardest things to accept was that I can’t change how other people behave or react. I can’t make them understand how hurtful and painful their behaviour is. How exhausting they are. No matter how many times or how clearly I explain things to them, people do not understand things they refuse to see. No matter how many deep, heartfelt letters I write or how clearly I try to explain my stance, people don’t understand what they are not capable of understanding. I don’t know if I’ve accepted it yet. I keep thinking maybe if I send them one more letter, maybe then they’ll see.
I can’t control them, but I can control my life. I can’t control how people behave, but I can choose to not have room for people like that in my life. I can’t force the abuser to accept they have done anything wrong, but at some point I have to protect myself from letting it happen again. They didn’t protect me, it is my job now.
Because the truth is, they cannot heal me. The abusive parent can’t fix you. Can’t fix me. The abuse happened and, unfortunately, it’s my job to heal from it. The other parent didn’t protect me. It’s my job to accept that and protect myself.
I have chosen to take a step back from places where my limits might get broken. I have chosen to block people who frequently try to break the boundaries. And I have chosen to let go of hopes that maybe one day these people will understand what I’m trying to say.