14 years, 7 months and 20 days. That’s how long I survived in full-time work before I’m back on disability pension.

When I was young, I was on disability pension until I somehow managed to score a job. Then went to uni. Started to build a great career. On paper I look great. International, studied in England, did an internship in San Francisco. There has been news articles about me. I’ve been active in local organisations and got elected in local elections. I have tried really hard. Harder than I should have.

The reality is, I’m in a cycle of full time work, burning out, sick-leave, depression diagnosis, then back to full time. Then less than a year later, I’m burned out. I’ve changed jobs hoping different type of job would help. I’ve worked harder, worked less and been to therapy for three years. It’s not enough.

I’ve had great jobs. Amazing workmates. Even better bosses. I’ve had all the support and help I could ever need. And still it’s not enough.

I’m always tired. Exhausted. I don’t have the energy to do basic household things after a full workday. I can go a month without doing laundry and changing the bedsheets requires so much effort, I do it just before bedtime so I can collapse on the bed straight after. And no, that’s not because I have a weighted blanket.

Working remotely is the only way I’m able to do the little that I can at the moment. Office, the distraction, the noises, the lights, the disturbances… they burn me out so badly that it takes me unfairly long to recover from a single day in the office. So 1st of December forwards for the next year, I’m on partial disability pension, working at most 60%. I can breathe. I can take my time and not worry if I’m able to work full time next month. Frankly, I don’t see myself ever going back to working full-time. 80% maybe, if I ever find out what the fuck is wrong with me.

Or… maybe there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe we are just not meant to spend majority of our time working in conditions that work against us.

What does this mean for my career that looks great on paper? Will anyone ever hire me? Right now… I don’t really care. I’m putting myself first in my priorities. Or at least right behind my dog.